My state of depression reaches its peak when I make expectations and build high hopes about something or somebody and end up feeling disappointed. All the meanings of life that I make up in my mind to convince myself to stay alive one more day crash into a billion pieces of meaninglessness. That is when I start imagining different scenarios of me taking my own life out of this miserable shit hole full of human bullshit. The human behavior/nature is what drives me the most depressed: the way humans treat each other. Lies. Deceit. Treason. Disloyalty. Ungratefulness.
All these things become nonexistent when I feel euphoric. It feels good when I’m on the pills. It makes me feel numb and unaware of those things. And this is one of the reasons why I stopped taking my pills. They put me in a state of denial, and if there is one thing that got me here to begin with, it’s denial itself. Even when I broke free out of my previous patriarchal jail I was in a state of denial. I don’t remember how I did it. Sometimes, I forget that I did it.
I feel like killing myself 24 hours a day. The thought is there with every breath I take, every piece of food I put in my mouth, every panic attack I have and every sense of nausea I experience. I feel like throwing up all the time. I feel like I can hardly breathe. I feel like my body cannot tolerate these feelings anymore.
People envy me. I have a master’s degree, a respectable job, a loving boyfriend, good friends, and a decent family who finally accepted the fact that I am taking control of my life. I am stable financially and emotionally. I am free, brave and independent. I am all that. Sometimes more. Other times less. It depends on my mood swings. But I am indifferent to all that. I cannot savor anything. I am dead inside, and the only things that make me feel alive are the brief joys that love brings to my heart. Everything is temporary, except my state of depression.