The Narcissist and the Empath

After about two weeks of not seeing each other, they finally met. When he first saw her, he didn't pamper her with his words made of honey as he used to. He didn't throw love petals at her feet. He actually stabbed her with his thorns made of self-loathing and manipulation. He said "What's wrong with your face?", and followed it with a laugh. They had a fight, and he cancelled their date. She felt guilty thinking maybe she shouldn't had felt angry at him for saying that. He was just making a stupid joke, like he always did. She then sent him an email. 

"I love you. But I'm scared. I'm scared of you. I'm scared of me. I'm scared of us. I'm scared of routine. I'm scared of us no longer loving each other. I'm scared of us still loving each other but not standing each other. Not being able to be like we used to when we were crazy in love with each other. I'm scared. I'm scared!

You are my everthing! Literally! You are the one who cheers me up and puts me down. You are the one who made me rethink my suicide attempts. You are the one who made me feel alive. You are the one who made me feel how being alive feels like. You are life. You are my life. You are my everything. I'm sorry if I seem crazy sometimes. That's your effect on me. You make me crazy. Crazy about you. Crazy for us. Today, I felt unattractive when you said what you said. It is important for me to feel attractive when I'm with you. To feel appreciated by you. I want you to tell me nice stuff even when I look ugly. I want you to make me feel loved. I want to revive those moments when we were crazy about each other. I want us to be like that forever. I'm scared. And I love you the way you are. But you make feel angry sometimes. And I want you to be patient with me. No one is perfect. But you are perfect for me. And I want to be perfect for you. I want to feel perfect enough for you. I love you. Love of my little deaths. Love of my life."

1/29/2019 8:50 PM

He never responded. He visited her at her place for another date. They kissed and talked and laughed. When she asked him about the email, he called her childish and told her to never send similar things again. Five months later they were officially broken up. The narcissist is still a narcissist. And the empath.. Well, here I am. 

How it begun

I was drowning in the abyss of nihilism, and as the lighthouse led me to him, the island I landed on was a ghost town. The weather was gloomy, the streets empty, and the walls tall and grey. The shop signs became blurry whenever I looked at them in a failing attempt to map my way back to my ship. An old woman walked out of the night haze and started showing me around.

"As you see, there is almost nothing in here. Everything has been abandoned for years. The plants withered and the walls turned grey. He's been hiding for years and years now. He's never tried to get out. He doesn't know how it feels to be on the other side of here. To feel the sun melting on his face. To let the night breeze mix with his breath. He doesn't think he needs help. He doesn't know he needs help.

"Why is the lighthouse still here then? There's still hope. I can feel it!

"It's a trap. To deceive himself into thinking that he is not lonely. To appear to others as someone who is not alone."

As she said those words, my limbs started to feel numb, and my heart was fluttering out of my chest.

"A trap??

"No one makes it out of here alive. Not in one piece anyway."

We reached an area where we had to remove our feet. We floated from one street to another. They all looked the same. The woman kept talking but all I could hear was the sound of my heart throbbing. She was repeating the same movements every 6 to 3 seconds. We were stuck in a loop. It felt like the end of time where time never really ends.

"We are here!"

I looked the opposite way and there I saw it. A concrete house with a green roof surrounded by a barbed wire. As I walked towards it, the old woman stopped me and muttered "you have to remove your eyes now. Otherwise, what you will find inside will be too much for you to endure."

As my eyes turned white and parts of my brain grey, I felt my feet again.

"Here, I sewed your feet to your body. You are going to need them."

أحبك..

كنت أريد أن أنام باكراً الليلة. لكنني فشلت في ذلك عمداً. لا أريد لليلتي هذه أن تنتهي. أريد أن أحضنك أكثر وألعب بخصلات شعرك أكثر وأمعن فيك النظر أكثر وأحبك أكثر وأكثر وأكثر. 

وأن أتنفس هواك وهواءك وانزع نظارتك وأقبل شفاهك وأرقص معك.

أريد أن أفكر في تفاصيلك. أريد أن أتلو على نفسي ما تيسر من شعرك وأحاديثك.

أحبك بحجم المعاني التي تجاوزت حروف الأبجدية. 

أحبك حد الحزن الشديد. أحبك حد الفرح الشديد. أحبك حياةً وموتاً.. وما قبل الحياة وما بعد الموت. 

لا أحبك حبين ولا اتمنى لو كان لي قلبان فالحب واحد والقلب واحد والمعبود واحد فلا تشرك به أحد!

I have loved a woman..

Before you proceed reading this, there is one thing you need to know about the author of these words. He is lost. He is always lost and he has given up to the idea that he will never find himself as himself is none but one and he is many. 

Everything I go through in life I turn into some sort of a literary scene. As I find pleasure in books and fictional characters, I do not mind turning my life events into an epic and sharing them with others. 

I am now sitting at the train station. I have bought a ticket that I have no intention to use. I have no destination. I am planning on going neither backward nor forward. I am going nowhere. I need a break to feel down.. to fully live this moment of disappointment in myself, others and life in general. 

I have loved a woman. I have lost this woman. And now I need a moment to accept it. to ignore it. to move on.

سوبرماني العزيز (3)

سوبرماني العزيز،

في بداية اليوم ال113، أتساءل إن كنت حقيقة أم خيال أم ان حرارتي ارتفعت ونالت مني الهلوسة فقمت بتجسيدك على أرض واقعي وسلمت أمري لنفسي التي تريدك.

على كل حال أنا لا اهتم. كن كما تكون. كن كما أريدك أن تكون. كن بطلاً خرقاً أو حبراً على السطور.كن قادراً ولا تكن مجبور. كن أي شيءٍ نريده إلا كذبة حكاها ضدي القدر. إستسلم لي أنا فقط. لا تسمح للقدر بأن يصنع منا حكاية بل إصنع حكاية من القدر. 

أتراه عشقني جيني سحر كل حبيب أحببته وأماته شوقاً لوصالي وأماتني حرماناً وفراقاً. 

أريدك أن تكسر اللعنة، لعنة اصابت الأخيار من ضعيفي القلوب. 

كل ما علينا فعله هو قول الكلمات المناسبة وإتخاذ الخيرات المناسبة في الوقت المناسب. المستقبل محاصر في عقل طفل أخرس وأصم لم يتجاوز التاسعة من عمره. أريده أن يعلم انني أريدك أن تكون خياري، مناسباً كنت أو لم تكن. 

أريدك.

سوبرماني العزيز، (2)

في شروق اليوم السابع، هجرت فراشي وتوجهت نحو شباك غرفتي لعلى أول نسمات هذا الصباح تلهم حروف الأبجدية المحدودة وتحولها إلى ذرات من الكلمات. 

لعلني وقتها سأتمكن من نسيان هلوسات أفلاطون الملعون. 

نظرت إلى السماء وسألتها "من أنا؟ لم أنا هنا؟"

وقفت على حافة شباك غرفتي وقلت "نحب نطير". لكنني لم أفعل. ربما لأنني لو حاولت الطيران سيتحطم جسدي ويتشوه. وروحي لا تريد لجسدي ذلك.

لما نحن البشر قدراتنا محدودة بحدود أجسادنا؟ وعقولنا محدودة بحدود واقعنا. وإن تجرأنا تجاوز هذا الواقع نحاسب شر الحساب.

لما لا نملك قوى خارقة مثل شخصيات دي.سي. كوميكس الخيالية؟ لما علينا أن نعيش الواقع ولما على الخيال أن يبقى خيالاً؟

كان ذلك في شروق اليوم السابع، مثل كل عام.. 

كل عام وأنت بخير.